Sometimes I feel very secure in my masculinity and my maleness and then I’m shocked when I look in the mirror and see a completely different version of myself than what I think I am. Other times I can feel very insecure about how my gender is being perceived by people and then I look in the mirror and I’m surprised by how masculine I actually am. I feel like having top surgery will eliminate a lot of these issues. I’m still very conscious of my chest. I’d also like to get a particular surgery for the bottom as well to make what I have look more masculine.

Many times I feel like my sense of dysphoria is directly related to how well I’m being accepted by people I’m sexually attracted to. If I’m really into a guy and he’s totally accepting of my body, I feel less pressure even though I’m still really self-conscious about the parts I don’t identify with. But if I come onto a guy and he rejects me because I’m trans I get really obsessive about wanting surgery. Sometimes it makes me hate being trans. I don’t feel like I need a penis, I just want what I have to not look female. In regards to genitalia, I sometimes think I would be happier with nothing rather than what I have now.