I mention the festival's controversy because there has long been debate about the definition of “women" in women's-only space and whether or not trans-women should be permitted to attend the festival. For many reasons, this debate has not extended to include trans-men and that has meant, for us, a real loss of a part of our community. We both believe that anyone who identifies as a woman should have access and inclusion in women's-only spaces. But what about people who used to identify as women? Or people who were raised as girls and lived as young women? The answers are so much muddier and unclear to me and I find contradictions with every conclusion I arrive at. Dana was always very clear that this was something important he would be sacrificing if he transitioned and I do think that the reality of losing that space played a significant role in his conflict over whether or not to proceed with transitioning. He knew he would be, in many ways, acquiring a new kind of privilege through his transition. And part of owning that privilege (even if it was not secure, even if it could be dangerously taken at any second should his gender be challenged) was acknowledging that he could not also share in the energy of that particular marginalized community in the same way.

Dana and I attended our last festival together shortly after he began taking T. That festival was bittersweet- I think we both knew that we likely wouldn't share that experience again. I could go myself, but not with him. And I think that moment made it finally clear to me that our relationship was no longer a lesbian relationship. I talk sometimes about taking our child there when she/he is a little older and I always sense a bit of sadness from Dana. Especially if we raise a girl-child, I want to make sure that she has a context, a fixed point of reference, for a space that truly values the safety and livelihood of women and girls. I want to make sure that she feels at home in a cooperative feminist spirit, that she knows other children with queer parents, that she sees thousands of women who all look different from one another, that she knows what it feels like to run naked outside in the sunshine and be protected by a child-loving community. I always assumed Dana would be able to share in that experience- I think he did too- and imagining sharing that with our daughter without him there leads me to the same unproductive sadness I imagine he feels.