This world is not safe for anyone who is different. Different in any way makes you get a second look- and I have always felt it was that second look that set me up to be assaulted or scrutinized in a way I was ill-prepared for. Without testosterone, I could never have had a deep enough voice to be assumed to be male on the phone, or be read as male by the random waiter/waitress.

There are always things I think people would change about their bodies. I know no man whose chest is big enough, hair-line is stable enough, abs are 8-pack-enough. I don't think I am above all these influences. I wish I were taller and I wish my chest was without scars. Although they are fading slowly my scars are pretty prominent. It's pretty individual, the way people heal, and I am one who scars easily. I would like them to look different. They are so clearly scars that outline what was removed (on the bottom) that I am hard pressed to think of what they could be. It ok, I move along with it but am reminded every time I am shirtless. It's hard to miss them.

In May, when Erin delivers, she will likely be in a hot-tub at some point for pain relief/comfort. I want to get in with her- but as soon as I get into a suit, my scars are there. The midwives at the Birth Center don't know I am trans. They know we used a sperm donor, but not a reason why. It is hard to think that because of the scars, they likely will put it together.

…I wish I could genetically make a baby. THAT is one thing I honestly feel as an inadequacy. I don't place a great deal of emphasis on biology- parenting is about much more than that. But I do wish I could just happened-to make a baby one day. You know, by accident.

Control:

Yes, my health insurance company has control over my body. In a way that scares the shit out of me. If I change my health insurance to reflect all my legal documents- I am not covered for ANY care I may need of body parts they do not attribute to a male. If I DO not change it, It is fraud. Either way, they can be responsible for tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt I could someday be responsible for.