My girl self kept up a running commentary about that, though. When I went to prom, she was admiring the girls’ makeup and dresses. Whenever I was with a group of guys, and they were boasting about how great they were in bed, she would be wondering if the girls liked it as much as the guys did. So, I kind of butched up. I ran cross country and rowed crew. I went camping and hiking. I developed an interest in shooting sports.

As each year went by, I tried to push her away, to lock her up in a prison of masculinity.

That changed when I finally faced my issues, instead of running away and hiding. I went through a scary period in my life, which culminated in suicidal thoughts. When I almost acted on some of those thoughts, I finally decided enough was enough. After some serious soul searching, I came out to myself. It was a very emotional moment. After all, I was setting free a scared girl from the prison I had constructed for her.

From that moment on, my life began to change. The first major change came when I started on estrogen and anti-androgens. For the first time in my life, I felt right. I knew that soon, the male body I possessed would only be male in certain ways. The change was as close to instantaneous as you could get. My hands were always shaking due to the nervous energy of playing a guy. Within two hours, that shaking stopped. I felt calm, happy, serene, and curious. Curious about that big wide world that was waiting for me to show it who I was.